If the Internet has taught us anything, it’s that there are a lot of self-proclaimed “experts” out there. That, and there really is an insane amount of porn in the world. But that’s neither here nor there.
There are a ton of blogs out there written by people passing themselves off as experts in their respective fields. Speaking from my own personal perspective, I really think blogs are more a product of these Cliff Clavinesque experts being inevitably tuned out by their friends but they still have an insatiable need to make words!
So here I am. And since I have such a narrow range of skills and/or knowledge, I shall focus on a field in which I have long been considered an expert: naps.
For many years I have honed these skills to the point where it is considered by many to be an art form, and the world is my canvas. With that, here are some of my more notable masterpieces. May you draw guidance and inspiration. If my efforts may help even one person find a peaceful slumber on this Sunday afternoon, we’ll call it a successful day.
1. The Anywhere Nap
This is a fairly standard napping style and one of my better-known “go-to’s”. This particular nap took place at a hammock display at the California State Fair. Large crowds, public place, carnival rides and cotton candy? No match for the desire to nap.
2. The Dog Nap
Another popular form of nap. This often occurs when one or more of these tiny animals which I have accumulated over the years comes into contact with me and uses their super powers to render me unconscious for as long as the beast(s) choose.
3. The Ugly Nap
4. The Baby Nap
Very similar to the Dog Nap. While holding a baby that is calm and collected, the last thing you want to do is risk disrupting the peaceful tranquility of the moment. What is more peaceful than a nap? It’s the least you can do to help that child get the rest it needs. Knowing of your generous contribution to their well being will only help you down the road, particularly if this adequately napped-up child ever becomes wealthy and you need a loan.
5. The Uke Nap
6. The Snow Nap
(NOTE: This is NOT recommended if you are lost in the wilderness as you will most likely die.)
7. The Beach Nap
The soothing sounds of the waves crashing against the shore, the cool sea breeze blowing through your hair, and the threat of being buried alive by crazed youths! The setting is tough to beat and it’s almost impossible to resist the urge to doze off, filling your lungs with that sweet sweet sand.
8. The Turtle Nap
Sometimes you venture offshore to escape the chaos and general slobbery of the beach-going public. When headed out to sea, you need a trustworthy seafaring creature to get you where you need to go. Though sturdy animals, the jarring travel patterns of dolphins and eating habits of sharks leave something to be desired in the ways of comfort. But a turtle provides exactly what you need to enjoy the calm waters and a relaxed pace.
9. The Totally Plutonic Bro Nap
10. The Napmare
Sometimes naps don’t work out the way we want them to. There you are, peacefully wasting the day away staring at the back of your eyelids when BAM!! Something terrifying happens that wakes you up and any thought you had of rest and relaxation is instantly replaced by your heart exploding.